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81 lines
4.2 KiB
XML
81 lines
4.2 KiB
XML
<xml>
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<p> A QUICK LESSON IN DO-IT-YOURSELF EMBALMING</p>
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<p>FROM 'THE BATHROOM ALMANAC' BY GUS MCLEAVY (<ent type='ORG'>FREDERICK FELL PUBLISHERS</ent>, INC.)</p>
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<p>TYPED IN 80 COLUMNS BY BIG BAD BARBARIAN (PARDON MY BAD TASTE.)</p>
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<p> TO BEGIN, YOU'LL NEED THREE TO SIX GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUID. IF YOU
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CAN'T FIND A BRAND NAME FLUID YOU CAN MIX YOUR OWN, USING <ent type='ORG'>DYED</ent> AND <ent type='ORG'>PERFUMED</ent>
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FORMALDEHYDES, GLYCERINE, BORAX, PHENOL, <ent type='ORG'>ALCOHOL</ent>, AND WATER. THE PROPORTIONS
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AREN'T TOO IMPORTANT TO THE FINISHED PRODUCT, AS DR. JESSE CARR WILL EXPLAIN
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LATER.</p>
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<p> FIRST OF ALL, THE MOUTH MUST BE SEWN TOGETHER AT THE INSIDE OF THE LIPS.
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(THE NEEDLE IS BROUGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSTRIL, USUALLY THE LEFT ONE.) THEN
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YOU TAKE A TROCAR, A LONG HOLLOW NEEDLE ATTACHED TO A <ent type='ORG'>TUBE</ent>. DRAIN THE CONTENTS
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OF THE <ent type='ORG'>ABDOMINAL</ent> AND CHEST CAVITIES, AND REPLACE THE REMOVED MATTER WITH CAVITY
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FLUID. PUMP OUT THE CIRCULATORY SYSTEM, REPLACE THE BLOOD AND PLASMA WITH THE
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ENBALMING SOLUTION, AND THAT'S ABOUT IT. IN EIGHT TO TEN HOURS THE TISSUES WILL
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BE FIRM AND DRY, AND READY FOR 'COSMETIC RESTORATION.'</p>
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<p> CAREFUL, THOUGH! REGULAR ENBALMING FLUID WORKS DIFFERENTLY ON VARIOUS
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BODIES ACCORDING TO THE CAUSE OF DEATH. WHILE IT WILL GIVE A PLEASANT PINK GLOW
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TO THE FLESH OF A VICTIM OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING, WHEN IT IS USED ON
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SOMEONE <ent type='ORG'>WHO</ent> DIED OF JAUNDICE IT IMPARTS A GREEN TINGE THAT REQUIRES A LOT OF
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MAKE-UP TO CONCEAL.</p>
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<p> ALTHOUGH IT IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO PRESERVE A BURIED BODY, EMBALMING IN
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FACT DOES NO SUCH THING. IF IT HAS ANY WORTHWHILE PURPOSE AT ALL, IT IS TO MAKE
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THE OPEN <ent type='ORG'>CASKET</ent> FUNERAL MORE PALATABLE. DR. JESSE CARR IS NO FRIEND OF THE
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MORTUARY INDUSTRY, BUT HE IS A FORMER CHIEF OF PATHOLOGY AT SAN FRANCISCO
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GENERAL HOSPITAL AND PROFESSOR OF PATHOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
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MEDICAL SCHOOL, AND HERE'S WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT:</p>
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<p> AN EXHUMED BODY IS A <ent type='ORG'>REPUGNANT</ent>, MOLDY, FOUL-LOOKING OBJECT. IT'S NOT
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THE IMAGE OF ONE <ent type='ORG'>WHO</ent> HAS BEEN LOVED . . . THE BODY ITSELF MAY BE
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INTACT, AS FAR AS CONTOURS AND SO ON; BUT THE SILK LINING OF THE
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<ent type='ORG'>CASKET</ent> IS ALL STAINED WITH BODY FLUIDS, THE WOOD IS ROTTING, AND THE
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BODY IS COVERED WITH MOLD . . . IF YOU SEAL UP A <ent type='ORG'>CASKET</ent> SO IT IS
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MORE OR LESS <ent type='ORG'>AIRTIGHT</ent>, YOU SEAL IN THE <ent type='ORG'>ANAEROBIC</ent> BACTERIA - THE KIND
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THAT <ent type='ORG'>THRIVE</ent> IN AN AIRLESS ATMOSPHERE, YOU SEE. THESE ARE THE
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PUTREFACTIVE BACTERIA, AND THE RESULTS OF THEIR GROWTH ARE PRETTY
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HORRIBLE . . . YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH A <ent type='ORG'>SHROUD</ent>, AND NO <ent type='ORG'>CASKET</ent> AT
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ALL.</p>
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<p> ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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// The PIRATES' HOLLOW //
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// 415-236-2371 //
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// over 12 <ent type='PERSON'>Megs</ent> of Elite Text Files //
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// ROR-ALUCARD //
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// <ent type='NORP'>Sysop</ent>: Doctor <ent type='PERSON'>Murdock</ent> //
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// C0-<ent type='NORP'>Sysop</ent>s: That One, Sir Death, Sid Gnarly & Finn //
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// //
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// "The Gates of Hell are open night and day; //
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// <ent type='PERSON'>Smooth</ent> is the Descent, and <ent type='ORG'>Easy</ent> is the way.." //
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///////////////////////////////////////////////////////</p>
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<div> </div>
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<p>X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X</p>
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<p> Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)</p>
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<p> & <ent type='ORG'>the Temple</ent> of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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<ent type='PERSON'>realitycheck Poindexter Fortran</ent> 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited <ent type='PERSON'>Mick Freen</ent> 415-583-4102</p>
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<p> Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.</p>
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<p> Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.</p>
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<p> "Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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</p></xml> |