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81 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
81 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
</p>
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<p> A QUICK LESSON IN DO-IT-YOURSELF EMBALMING</p>
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<p>FROM 'THE BATHROOM ALMANAC' BY GUS MCLEAVY (FREDERICK FELL PUBLISHERS, INC.)</p>
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<p>TYPED IN 80 COLUMNS BY BIG BAD BARBARIAN (PARDON MY BAD TASTE.)</p>
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<p> TO BEGIN, YOU'LL NEED THREE TO SIX GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUID. IF YOU
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CAN'T FIND A BRAND NAME FLUID YOU CAN MIX YOUR OWN, USING DYED AND PERFUMED
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FORMALDEHYDES, GLYCERINE, BORAX, PHENOL, ALCOHOL, AND WATER. THE PROPORTIONS
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AREN'T TOO IMPORTANT TO THE FINISHED PRODUCT, AS DR. JESSE CARR WILL EXPLAIN
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LATER.</p>
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<p> FIRST OF ALL, THE MOUTH MUST BE SEWN TOGETHER AT THE INSIDE OF THE LIPS.
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(THE NEEDLE IS BROUGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSTRIL, USUALLY THE LEFT ONE.) THEN
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YOU TAKE A TROCAR, A LONG HOLLOW NEEDLE ATTACHED TO A TUBE. DRAIN THE CONTENTS
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OF THE ABDOMINAL AND CHEST CAVITIES, AND REPLACE THE REMOVED MATTER WITH CAVITY
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FLUID. PUMP OUT THE CIRCULATORY SYSTEM, REPLACE THE BLOOD AND PLASMA WITH THE
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ENBALMING SOLUTION, AND THAT'S ABOUT IT. IN EIGHT TO TEN HOURS THE TISSUES WILL
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BE FIRM AND DRY, AND READY FOR 'COSMETIC RESTORATION.'</p>
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<p> CAREFUL, THOUGH! REGULAR ENBALMING FLUID WORKS DIFFERENTLY ON VARIOUS
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BODIES ACCORDING TO THE CAUSE OF DEATH. WHILE IT WILL GIVE A PLEASANT PINK GLOW
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TO THE FLESH OF A VICTIM OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING, WHEN IT IS USED ON
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SOMEONE WHO DIED OF JAUNDICE IT IMPARTS A GREEN TINGE THAT REQUIRES A LOT OF
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MAKE-UP TO CONCEAL.</p>
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<p> ALTHOUGH IT IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO PRESERVE A BURIED BODY, EMBALMING IN
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FACT DOES NO SUCH THING. IF IT HAS ANY WORTHWHILE PURPOSE AT ALL, IT IS TO MAKE
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THE OPEN CASKET FUNERAL MORE PALATABLE. DR. JESSE CARR IS NO FRIEND OF THE
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MORTUARY INDUSTRY, BUT HE IS A FORMER CHIEF OF PATHOLOGY AT SAN FRANCISCO
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GENERAL HOSPITAL AND PROFESSOR OF PATHOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
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MEDICAL SCHOOL, AND HERE'S WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT:</p>
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<p> AN EXHUMED BODY IS A REPUGNANT, MOLDY, FOUL-LOOKING OBJECT. IT'S NOT
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THE IMAGE OF ONE WHO HAS BEEN LOVED . . . THE BODY ITSELF MAY BE
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INTACT, AS FAR AS CONTOURS AND SO ON; BUT THE SILK LINING OF THE
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CASKET IS ALL STAINED WITH BODY FLUIDS, THE WOOD IS ROTTING, AND THE
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BODY IS COVERED WITH MOLD . . . IF YOU SEAL UP A CASKET SO IT IS
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MORE OR LESS AIRTIGHT, YOU SEAL IN THE ANAEROBIC BACTERIA - THE KIND
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THAT THRIVE IN AN AIRLESS ATMOSPHERE, YOU SEE. THESE ARE THE
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PUTREFACTIVE BACTERIA, AND THE RESULTS OF THEIR GROWTH ARE PRETTY
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HORRIBLE . . . YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH A SHROUD, AND NO CASKET AT
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ALL.</p>
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<p> ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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// The PIRATES' HOLLOW //
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// 415-236-2371 //
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// over 12 Megs of Elite Text Files //
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// ROR-ALUCARD //
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// Sysop: Doctor Murdock //
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// C0-Sysops: That One, Sir Death, Sid Gnarly & Finn //
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// //
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// "The Gates of Hell are open night and day; //
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// Smooth is the Descent, and Easy is the way.." //
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///////////////////////////////////////////////////////</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X</p>
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<p> Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)</p>
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<p> & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102</p>
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<p> Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.</p>
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<p> Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.</p>
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<p> "Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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