mirror of
https://github.com/nhammer514/textfiles-politics.git
synced 2024-12-25 07:19:31 -05:00
61 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
61 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
<conspiracyFile>A QUICK LESSON IN DO-IT-YOURSELF EMBALMING
|
|
FROM 'THE BATHROOM ALMANAC' BY GUS MCLEAVY (FREDERICK FELL PUBLISHERS, INC.)
|
|
TYPED IN 80 COLUMNS BY BIG BAD BARBARIAN (PARDON MY BAD TASTE.)
|
|
TO BEGIN, YOU'LL NEED THREE TO SIX GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUID. IF YOU
|
|
CAN'T FIND A BRAND NAME FLUID YOU CAN MIX YOUR OWN, USING DYED AND PERFUMED
|
|
FORMALDEHYDES, GLYCERINE, BORAX, PHENOL, ALCOHOL, AND WATER. THE PROPORTIONS
|
|
AREN'T TOO IMPORTANT TO THE FINISHED PRODUCT, AS DR. JESSE CARR WILL EXPLAIN
|
|
LATER.
|
|
FIRST OF ALL, THE MOUTH MUST BE SEWN TOGETHER AT THE INSIDE OF THE LIPS.
|
|
(THE NEEDLE IS BROUGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSTRIL, USUALLY THE LEFT ONE.) THEN
|
|
YOU TAKE A TROCAR, A LONG HOLLOW NEEDLE ATTACHED TO A TUBE. DRAIN THE CONTENTS
|
|
OF THE ABDOMINAL AND CHEST CAVITIES, AND REPLACE THE REMOVED MATTER WITH CAVITY
|
|
FLUID. PUMP OUT THE CIRCULATORY SYSTEM, REPLACE THE BLOOD AND PLASMA WITH THE
|
|
ENBALMING SOLUTION, AND THAT'S ABOUT IT. IN EIGHT TO TEN HOURS THE TISSUES WILL
|
|
BE FIRM AND DRY, AND READY FOR 'COSMETIC RESTORATION.'
|
|
CAREFUL, THOUGH! REGULAR ENBALMING FLUID WORKS DIFFERENTLY ON VARIOUS
|
|
BODIES ACCORDING TO THE CAUSE OF DEATH. WHILE IT WILL GIVE A PLEASANT PINK GLOW
|
|
TO THE FLESH OF A VICTIM OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING, WHEN IT IS USED ON
|
|
SOMEONE WHO DIED OF JAUNDICE IT IMPARTS A GREEN TINGE THAT REQUIRES A LOT OF
|
|
MAKE-UP TO CONCEAL.
|
|
ALTHOUGH IT IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO PRESERVE A BURIED BODY, EMBALMING IN
|
|
FACT DOES NO SUCH THING. IF IT HAS ANY WORTHWHILE PURPOSE AT ALL, IT IS TO MAKE
|
|
THE OPEN CASKET FUNERAL MORE PALATABLE. DR. JESSE CARR IS NO FRIEND OF THE
|
|
MORTUARY INDUSTRY, BUT HE IS A FORMER CHIEF OF PATHOLOGY AT SAN FRANCISCO
|
|
GENERAL HOSPITAL AND PROFESSOR OF PATHOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
|
|
MEDICAL SCHOOL, AND HERE'S WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT:
|
|
AN EXHUMED BODY IS A REPUGNANT, MOLDY, FOUL-LOOKING OBJECT. IT'S NOT
|
|
THE IMAGE OF ONE WHO HAS BEEN LOVED . . . THE BODY ITSELF MAY BE
|
|
INTACT, AS FAR AS CONTOURS AND SO ON; BUT THE SILK LINING OF THE
|
|
CASKET IS ALL STAINED WITH BODY FLUIDS, THE WOOD IS ROTTING, AND THE
|
|
BODY IS COVERED WITH MOLD . . . IF YOU SEAL UP A CASKET SO IT IS
|
|
MORE OR LESS AIRTIGHT, YOU SEAL IN THE ANAEROBIC BACTERIA - THE KIND
|
|
THAT THRIVE IN AN AIRLESS ATMOSPHERE, YOU SEE. THESE ARE THE
|
|
PUTREFACTIVE BACTERIA, AND THE RESULTS OF THEIR GROWTH ARE PRETTY
|
|
HORRIBLE . . . YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH A SHROUD, AND NO CASKET AT
|
|
ALL.
|
|
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
|
|
// The PIRATES' HOLLOW //
|
|
// <data type="phoneNumber">415-236-2371</data> //
|
|
// over 12 Megs of Elite Text Files //
|
|
// ROR-ALUCARD //
|
|
// Sysop: Doctor Murdock //
|
|
// C0-Sysops: That One, Sir Death, Sid Gnarly & Finn //
|
|
// //
|
|
// "The Gates of Hell are open night and day; //
|
|
// Smooth is the Descent, and Easy is the way.." //
|
|
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
|
|
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|
|
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
|
|
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter <data type="phoneNumber">510-935-5845</data>
|
|
Rat Head Ratsnatcher <data type="phoneNumber">510-524-3649</data>
|
|
Burn This Flag Zardoz <data type="phoneNumber">408-363-9766</data>
|
|
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran <data type="phoneNumber">415-567-7043</data>
|
|
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen <data type="phoneNumber">415-583-4102</data>
|
|
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
|
|
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
|
|
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
|
|
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
|
|
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
|
|
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
|
|
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X</conspiracyFile> |