On the subject of UFOs at Area 51, Psychospy is proud to sit squarely on the fence. Whatever the truth may be, we don't yet find the evidence compelling enough to march on the White House or blow up a major city in protest. We've heard endless stories of amazing lights in the sky in this area. Most of these, including many well publicized reports and the things that we've seen ourselves, appear to us to be routine misperceptions of military flares and aircraft lights. Newcomers do not appreciate the huge volume of military traffic here or the difficulties of judging the motion of a distant light. Even the few sighting reports that we can't explain don't seem to lead us anywhere. So you've seen a unworldly light in the sky. Even if it happened as you say it did, where does the investigation lead you? All you can usually conclude, after recording the sighting, is that the case is -- DAH-dum -- UNEXPLAINED! Forty-five years of collecting sighting reports has lead the UFO movement nowhere. Idealistic investigators have filled out thousands of neatly ruled forms recording the size of the object, its brightness and structure, its movement across the sky, a description of the occupants if they land and step outside... Most such reports rely on human perception and memory and thus are automatically suspect. The endless stacks of sighting reports, although periodically regurgitated for books and TV shows, mostly collect dust in archives and result in no practical human effect. The skeptics remain skeptical, while the believers can only agree that "They are here!" and it's time to get mad as hell about it. Get mad at whom? Why, the government of course. It's senseless to get angry at the aliens, because they apparently don't give a damn what we think and certainly aren't going to sit around to be harangued. The government, on the other hand, can't escape the wrath of its citizens, and it has to respond at least when its funding is threatened. The focus of attention by UFO activists is the U.S. Air Force, on the theory that if anybody knows anything about ships in the sky, it must be them. They've got aircraft on continuous patrol, spy satellites ringing the globe, advanced radar blanketing the skies, some totally "boss" radio and video equipment and satellite dishes that can get ALL the channels. If the UFOs are real, then it is a reasonable assumption that the Air Force knows more about them than we do and that it is withholding this information from the public. That doesn't necessarily imply that the Air Force has any answers. Perhaps they have only attained a more advanced state of befuddlement than the rest of us and are loathe to admit how confused they are. On the other hand, the Air Force could be engaged in extensive contacts and agreements with the aliens. The aliens could already be entrenched here, messing with our society--or at least our minds--and telling the governments of the world what to do. The only flaw in any government cover-up theory is our knowledge about how the government functions in all its other activities. The only human bureaucracies we have ever had experience with seem mildly incompetent and usually leak their secrets like a sieve. If many workers know about the Air Force's UFO data, it is hard to imagine them all keeping quiet. Washington is full of Deep Throats, frustrated with their employer, who are dying to spill the beans about whatever scandal they have access to. That a government agency is involved in any kind of alien research program is instantly newsworthy to both skeptics and believers. In the cutthroat underworld of Washington politics and media, it is hard to imagine any such program surviving for very long without its existence being leaked and widely criticized. On the other hand, maybe the story has been leaked all along but sounds just too wacky for most people to take seriously. It has been widely reported that the captive aliens at Area 51 like strawberry ice cream. Even if a report like this is true, it doesn't go far in endorsing the alien presence in most people's eyes. The mainstream media can't do much with a far out story unless there is some reportable human connection. That the aliens eat strawberry ice cream isn't news. What might make the papers is the atrocious price the government is paying for that ice cream and how it has given all the business to Baskin-Robbins without competitive bidding. The only sort of government UFO research program we find credible would be a relatively small and heavily compartmentalized one accomplishing what we expect of government bureaucracies--that is, very little. There is only one thing that the government does well, and that is stonewall. Since arriving in Rachel, we have upgraded our estimates of the government's ability to withstand a siege and keep its workers quiet. Easily 10000 employees have worked at Groom Lake over the years, but hardly any will speak about the place publicly. What most of these people know is probably mundane, but the fact that the government can keep such tight control over so many people suggests that the enforcement mechanism is highly effective. Most workers turn pale if you ask them the price of a steak at the commissary; they really clam up when you ask them anything serious. We have developed a respect for the government's ability to withhold static knowledge--that is, to stockpile data and not let anyone else have it. At the same time, since coming here, we have significantly downgraded our estimates of what workers can accomplish in such an oppressive environment. Security restrictions eat up resources, cripple scientific communication and sap all initiative and creativity from the human employees. Given enough funding for guards, locks and redundant safeguards, the government might be able keep an exotic body of knowledge secret for decades, but at the cost of not being able to do anything with it. If the government is withholding proof of alien life, here's what to look for: A vault of poorly processed data, guarded by morons and managed by bureaucrats who are crippled by their own regulations. Nothing is accomplished in this air conditioned sanctum. Meetings are held and problems discussed, but real actions and decisions are always put off for another day. As long as the data remains secure and funding to maintain the security apparatus continues to roll in, there's no pressure to do anything at all. So what is really out there at Area 51, beyond the impressive security, inside the deep bunkers, behind the big steel doors? Maybe alien craft, maybe Auroras--or maybe just a bunch of bored technicians sitting around in white lab coats playing cards.