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@ -32,9 +32,10 @@
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<p> CELINE'S LAWS
<div id="conspiracy">
<p> CELINE'S LAWS
by Hagbard Celine</p>
<p> As every thinking person has noticed, our national life has
<p> As every thinking person has noticed, our national life has
become increasingly weird and surrealistic. The waiting lines at
banks and post offices are growing longer all the time, even
though demographers tell us US population is no longer rising.
@ -64,16 +65,16 @@ for this, but three are especially noteworthy.
********************************************************************************************
NATIONAL SECURITY IS THE CHIEF CAUSE OF NATIONAL INSECURITY!!!
*******************************************************************************</p>
<p>1). Infiltration of the secret police, for the purpose of
<p>1). Infiltration of the secret police, for the purpose of
subversion, will always be a prime goal of internal
revolutionaries. This is an ordinary part of the spy-counterspy
game. There is nothing Weather Underground would like better
than having a few agents in the <span class="ORG" title="ORG">FBI</span> or <span class="ORG" title="ORG">CIA</span>, for the same reasons
that the <span class="ORG" title="ORG">FBI</span> or <span class="ORG" title="ORG">CIA</span> would like to have a few agents in Weather
Underground.</p>
<p>2). Such infiltration will also be a prime goal of hostile
<p>2). Such infiltration will also be a prime goal of hostile
foreign powers, for the same reasons.</p>
<p> Please note that these are simple facts of the secret-police
<p> Please note that these are simple facts of the secret-police
game, well-known even to the general public, the subject of many
ingenious plots in popular spy films, and not particularly
alarming...yet. Nonetheless, the seeds of Chaos, Discord,
@ -86,9 +87,9 @@ ten years in the <span class="ORG" title="ORG">CIA</span>, with the possibility
"extraterrestrial" agents. He was eventually retired when he
began to claim that demons in the form of dogs wanted him to
assassinate Laverne and Shirley. </p>
<p>3). Secret-police officials acquire fantastic capacities to
<p>3). Secret-police officials acquire fantastic capacities to
blackmail and intimidate others in goverment.</p>
<p> Stalin executed three chiefs of his secret police in a row,
<p> Stalin executed three chiefs of his secret police in a row,
because of this danger. One of my informants claims that every
president since the National Security Act was passed in 1947 has
learned how to have sexual intercourse without making a single
@ -110,23 +111,23 @@ or to acquiring "too much power" in the opinion of its masters.
(It may even be subject, if Richard Q. was correct in his
anxieties, to extraterrestrial manipulation). And so, it, too,
must be monitored by a secret police of the third order.</p>
<p> But this third-order secret-police (such as Nixon's notorious
<p> But this third-order secret-police (such as Nixon's notorious
"plumbers", or more currently, "The Store"). is also subject to
infiltration or to acquiring too much power...and thus, with
relentless logic, the infinite regress builds. Once a goverment
has n orders of secret police spying on each other, all are
potentially suspect, and to be safe a secret police of order n+1
must be created. And so on, forever.</p>
<p>******************************************
<p>******************************************
* THUS WHO EMPLOY SECRET *
* POLICE MUST MONITOR THEM TO *
* BE SURE THEY ARE NOT ACQUIRING *
* TOO MUCH POWER. *
****************************************** </p>
<p> In practice, of course, this cannot really regress to
<p> In practice, of course, this cannot really regress to
infinity, but only to the point where every other citizen, or
until the funding runs out, whichever comes first.</p>
<p> National Security in practice, then, must always fall short of
<p> National Security in practice, then, must always fall short of
the logically ideal infinite regress which we have shown is
necessary to the achievement of its goal. In that gap between
the ideal of "One nation under survillance, with wiretaps and
@ -145,7 +146,7 @@ regularly call middle-rank officials on the phone and talk in
what appears to be a code. The secret police, of course, are no
fools, and are aware that this might be what it in fact is, a
form of anarchist humor; but they can't be sure.</p>
<p> What usually happens in such cases is this: an official
<p> What usually happens in such cases is this: an official
receives one of these mystery calls, saying perhaps "Pawn to
queen rook five. No wife, no horse, no mustache. A boy has never
wept nor dashed a thousand kim." He knows immediately that
@ -158,7 +159,7 @@ him with eyes that miss nothing and to give a sinister
interpertation to everything. Within ten days, he usually
attempts to contact a foreign goverment to seek political
sanctuary, and the secret-police net closes on him.</p>
<p> By the same process of worry leading to more worry and
<p> By the same process of worry leading to more worry and
suspicion leading to more suspicion, the very act of joining a
ecret-police organization will eventually turn a man or woman
into a clinical paranoi; in layman's terms, "bananas" or "wigged
@ -174,7 +175,7 @@ In fact, the exact percentages of believes in these extravagant
scenarios are quite similar among a group of 1000 <span class="ORG" title="ORG">CIA</span> agents and
a control group of 1000 readers of the underground press, as
shown in table 1.</p>
<p>Table 1. True Believes in various Conspiracy Theories Among <span class="ORG" title="ORG">CIA</span>
<p>Table 1. True Believes in various Conspiracy Theories Among <span class="ORG" title="ORG">CIA</span>
Agents and Underground-Press Readers.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: :: :: UNDERGROUND PRESS ::
@ -213,13 +214,13 @@ Agents and Underground-Press Readers.
::It's the Rock n Roll :: :: ::
:: Empire :: 2% :: 2% ::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: </p>
<p>a). Source: Gallup, Roper, and Hogtied, "WHO'S WATCHING WHOM"
<p>a). Source: Gallup, Roper, and Hogtied, "WHO'S WATCHING WHOM"
(Washington, DC: US Goverment Printing Office, 1979), p. 432.</p>
<p>b). All figures are percentages. Figures do not add to 100, for
<p>b). All figures are percentages. Figures do not add to 100, for
a variety of reasons. For a list of them, please send 25 cents
and a list of suspicious persons in your neighborhood to the US
Dept. of Bedding, Washington DC 20001.</p>
<p>c). Includes those who blame it all on the Bavarian Illuminati;
<p>c). Includes those who blame it all on the Bavarian Illuminati;
those who hold a multiconspiracy theory (e.g., the Lesbian
Vegetarians are allied with the Yankees and Bilderbergers against
the Cowboys, the TV Networks, and the Cattle Mutilators); those
@ -228,11 +229,11 @@ claim that demons in the form of dogs told them it's connected
somehow with the alligators in <span class="GPE" title="GPE">New York</span>'s sewers.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^</p>
<p>************************************
<p>************************************
* IN RUSSIA, THE GOVERMENT IS *
* TERRIFIED OF PAINTERS AND POETS! *
************************************</p>
<p> Now, Table 1 clearly gives a picture of a rather schizzed-out
<p> Now, Table 1 clearly gives a picture of a rather schizzed-out
nation. This is the result of the impossible infinite regress
and its resultant of worry leading to more worry.
Furthermore, if there is a secret police at all, in any nation
@ -246,19 +247,19 @@ many nongovernmental agencies, will be regarded by reasonable
persons with fear and trepidation. Proverbs like "One can't be
too careful these days" and "Better safe than sorry" become a
kind of sinister folk wisdom.</p>
<p> But further yet: any government which already has a secret
<p> But further yet: any government which already has a secret
police (and a secret police monitoring the secret police, etc).
will become alarmed on observing that its more hip and
intelligent citizens now regard it with loathing and misgivings.
The government will therefore increase the size and powers of the
secret police. This is the only rational move, within the
context of the secret-police game.</p>
<p>******************************
<p>******************************
* SOMETHING PASSING AS A *
* BRANCH OF HEW MIGHT BE A *
* FRONT FOR THE <span class="ORG" title="ORG">CIA</span>! *
****************************** </p>
<p> (The only alternative was once suggested sarcastically by
<p> (The only alternative was once suggested sarcastically by
playwright Bert Brecht, who said, "If the government doesn't
trust the people, why does'nt it dissovle them and elect new
people?" No way has yet been invented to elect a new people; so
@ -289,13 +290,13 @@ to have said, "Anybody in Washington these days who isn't
paranoid is crazy!"
One could generalize the remark: anyone in the United States
today who isn't paranoid must be crazy!!!</p>
<p>**********************************
<p>**********************************
* "IF THE GOVERMENT DOESN'T *
* TRUST THE PEOPLE, WHY DOESN'T *
* IT DISSOLVE THEM AND ELECT A *
* NEW PEOPLE?" *
**********************************</p>
<p> The deliberate production of misinformation (or, as
<p> The deliberate production of misinformation (or, as
intelligence agencies more euphemistically call it,
disinformation) creates a situation profoundly disorienting to
the philosopher, the scientist, and the ordinary Joe who wants to
@ -329,7 +330,7 @@ gang of special effects experts. Perhaps these archskeptics are
the sanest ones left among us. Who among the readers of this
file has a security clearance high enough to be ABSOLUTELY sure
that these ultraparanoids are wrong?</p>
<p> This general tendency toward chaos discord, and confusion,
<p> This general tendency toward chaos discord, and confusion,
once a secret police has been established, is complicated and
accelerated by Celine's Second Law, to wit: "Accurate
communication is only possible in a nonpunishing situation."
@ -350,11 +351,11 @@ above them. This is absolutely vital; job security depends on
it. It is much less important---a luxury that can easily be
discarded---that these perceptions be in accord with actual
reality.</p>
<p>*************************
<p>*************************
* COMMUNICATION IS ONLY *
* BETWEEN EQUALS. *
*************************</p>
<p> For instance, in the <span class="ORG" title="ORG">FBI</span> under J. Edgar Hoover, the agent had
<p> For instance, in the <span class="ORG" title="ORG">FBI</span> under J. Edgar Hoover, the agent had
to develop the capacity to see godless communists everywhere.
Any agent whose perceptions indicated that there were actually
very few godless communists anywhere in this country wold
@ -418,7 +419,7 @@ it.
* THEY DO, THEY ARE CAREFUL TO *
* HIDE THE FACT! *
********************************</p>
<p> An honest politician (bocca grande giganticus) is far more
<p> An honest politician (bocca grande giganticus) is far more
dangerous. He or she is sincerley commited to bettering society
by political action. In practice, that means by writing and
enacting more laws. Indeed, many groups of idealistic citizens
@ -438,7 +439,7 @@ rising crime rate is the rising number of laws being enacted. An
honest politician, who keeps his nose to the grindstone and
enacts several hundered laws in the course of his career, thereby
produces as many as several million new criminals. </p>
<p> It is furthermore mathematically demonstrable that the more
<p> It is furthermore mathematically demonstrable that the more
laws there are, the more restrictions there are on the freedom of
the individual. If there were, say, only three laws in a given
society---e.g., Thou shalt not kill; thau shalt not steal; thou
@ -468,7 +469,7 @@ prohibited."
* EVERY LAW CREATES A WHOLE *
* NEW CRIMINAL CLASS OVERNIGHT! *
*********************************</p>
<p> At that stage the nightmare world of Orwell's 1984 will be
<p> At that stage the nightmare world of Orwell's 1984 will be
achieved. Crooked politicians, merely interested in the normal
human activity of making themselves rich and comfortable, could
never create that ultimate horror; but honest and idealistic
@ -485,7 +486,7 @@ ALL cases. Of course, the American Sociological Association says
I am mad. Mad, am I? They said the Wright Brothers were mad.
They said Edison was mad. They said Baron Frankenstein was
mad...</p>
<p>HABARD CELINE was trained in contract law and naval engineering
<p>HABARD CELINE was trained in contract law and naval engineering
but claims he acquired his real education playing the piano in a
whorehouse. He is captain of the world's largest yellow
submarine, the Leif Erikson, and president of Gold and Appel
@ -497,16 +498,17 @@ alternative identities as Howard Cork, Carl Cory, Hugh Crane,
Clutch Cargo, Captain Nemo, etc., and has appeared in countless
epics and sagas.
I am mad. </p>
<p> Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)</p>
<p> &amp; the Temple of the Screaming Electron 415-935-5845
<p> Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)</p>
<p> &amp; the Temple of the Screaming Electron 415-935-5845
Just Say Yes 415-922-2008
Rat Head 415-524-3649
Cheez Whiz 408-363-9766</p>
<p> Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
<p> Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.</p>
<p> Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
<p> Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.</p>
<p> "Raw Data for Raw Nerves"</p>
<p> "Raw Data for Raw Nerves"</p>
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