 Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
 Washington, DC

 Dear Sir:

   My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check
 for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I
 want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

   What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind
 of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs
 not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in
 keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise
 Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I
 will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

   As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping
 an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

   My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the
 business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and
 the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1968, until this
 year, when he got your check for $1000.00 for not raising hogs.

   If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.
 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
 first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which
 will mean about $80,000.00 for the first year. Then I can afford
 an airplane.

   Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise, will not
 eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers
 not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
 raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going
 to raise?

   Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
 send me any information you have on that also.

   In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
 totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food
 stamps.

 Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

 Patriotically yours:

 xxxxxxxxx

 P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
 more free cheese??